How do you know when it's time?

I read a lot of blogs. Which is good, because you get a lot of information. I know that some people LOVE their RE, some went through a few.

I need to think about whether it is time to look for a second opinion. I say this because yesterday was very confusing and as the day progressed I became more and more upset with how things went down. Here are my concerns, in no particular order:

1. Did Clomid really "fail" if I am still going to ovulate at some point? I mean, no I am not ready right this minute to ovulate, but come on. Online I have read that most women ovulate 5-9 days after their last dose. My last dose was on day 9. So even as late as day 18 would put me with "most women." I am also mad about this because this is what happened last time I was on Clomid. They didn't see growth on their timeline, so they gave up and I missed my ovulation because they led me to believe I wouldn't ovulate, except I did. Cycle 4 down the tubes. NOT letting Cycle 5 go the same route.

2. When I brought up the whole, hey I am likely to ovulate on my own thing, they were basically like, well, keep doing the deed. Good luck! Um...not helpful.

3. No mention of Femara. I had already asked one of the nurses about it before, because of course, I had no idea what the plan was long term. So I asked how long we were going to do Clomid and only then did I learn the plan was one more cycle, 100 mg. I asked about Femara and she seemed okay with it, but said papers would have to be signed about the possibility of birth defects if you take it while pregnant, which obviously I would not do.

4. The plan as of now is to get approval from my insurance in late August so we can get started as quickly as possible in September. They said it would be an injectable cycle - I don't even know what the injections are. All I know is that when I asked if I could try that now even without insurance they said it would be thousands of dollars. So...

I know they want me to be successful. I just feel like they are not taking me seriously because it hasn't been a full year. Well, you know what? To me, the clock started ticking from the moment my husband got home from Iraq - three years! I had to wait for him to be ready, then we needed to save up for the damn reversal. So, no, technically it has not been a year of actively trying but our journey has been three times as long. So take the time to sit down and plan out what we are going to do, how things work, etc. All I want is information.

Is that too much to ask for?

My body hates me

Comid failed. They feel I am going to need injections. Insurance won't cover that until September. FML

alternate universe

I need to leave in six minutes, but I wanted to drop some thoughts:

First and foremost I want to thank everyone who took the time to leave some love and support for today's appointment. I am so excited yet nervous at the same time.

I am tired. I stayed up well past my bedtime to DTD and I am feeling it this morning. Bleh.

Most of all, what is on my mind is how it feels like time is just FLYING by in the classroom yet in TTC it's so slow I feel it's almost going backwards. How is it only day 10? I know deep down that in classroom time there is so much to do with so little time, but come on now. My little pregnancy app, where I figure out how far along we would be on birthdays, holidays, etc., has been stuck forever on Sunday June 3. That's when two weeks start for my hopeful estimated due date. Let me just say, June 3 feels like an eternity.

Counting down

Really starting to hit the exciting part of the next few weeks. Today is our last day of state testing. The kids and I are having breakfast to celebrate a long hard year. With that behind us, it will be a quick 12 days of school after that - and I will be out for two of them! I actually enjoy the end of the year because you don't have to worry as much about data and assessment. I tend to do interesting things that I think fourth graders should do but no curriculum requires me to make it happen. For example, I have them memorize the 50 states. I did this in fourth grade, it's not all that hard and I think as military kids they should know where the states are. They will move around so much anyway. We also do this really cool hands on algebra unit called Hands On Equations. Some kids won't get it, but the bulk will and some will really get into it so it's all good.

Tonight we need to DTD for the postcoital test. Plus, since I stopped the Clomid we have been pretty good about DTD every other day, so there you have it. My basal temperature has dropped a little from 97.71 on Monday to 97.28 yesterday, 97.25 today. This is my first month temping so I am hoping this small drop means ovulation is coming soon. I haven't started using the OPKs yet because we have the ultrasound tomorrow and last month I had a LH surge after Clomid that was not related to actually ovulating.

So, yeah. Have the post coital test tomorrow, plus my day 12 ultrasound to see what my follicles are up to. I really really really hope I have something going on in there that is going to work. Last month I had so many follicles, but they were still so small. Then they stopped monitoring me and as it turned out, I ovulated. Gr. So, at least I know that if my follicles are for some reason too small tomorrow, we will just wait and try again.

When we last tuned in...

Gosh, I was a mess the last time I wrote. Thankfully, Sunday brought a new day and a much better attitude. We were super busy all day long - started with the gym at 8:30, DH made smoothies so we could hit the road and get to the commissary for our monthly food shopping. We were in and out of the commissary in less than 2 hours, which is probably a record for us. Our food bill before coupons was like 292. After coupons, about 250. Not too shabby. After food was all put away and such we put together a little snack basket of crackers, cheese, and summer sausage to take to a winery. Virginia actually has a great number of wineries, and while for a long time those wineries tended to be more to the south or west of where we live, a few have popped up closer to our house. Anyway, we sat outside and just had a general blast.

Yesterday we celebrated four years from the day we eloped. We tend to celebrate April 18th because it's the day of our first date, the day he proposed, and that's the day we exchanged vows in front of friends and family. But in my heart I feel May 28th will always be special since that's the day it became official. Anyway, it was nice to sleep in and I had thought about going to the gym but DH surprised me by making a very nice breakfast. French toast, sausage, and he even made a few potato chips. Ever since he came back from his deployment in March he has been so eager to try new things and I am not about to discourage that! :-)

So, here we are, CD 10. The Clomid is done and I have two days until my ultrasound. I'm really hoping this is it. Here are my thoughts on my Cycle 5 should be the one (in no particular order): 1. Not hugely pregnant over the summer. This is a big deal in super humid Virginia. 2. Not close to my due date over the holidays. 3. I would spend pretty much my whole first trimester at home. Second tri would start around the beginning of the school year. 4. I can enjoy much of the summer without worrying about coming in for labs or ultrasounds or doing pills or whatever. I really want to go visit family up in MA and trying to think of a time to go has left me a little stressed. 5. I won't have to worry about missing a cycle when DH has to go away for training. In fact, if he leaves in October like he is hoping to then he won't be missing much of the pregnancy because I would be around 18 weeks.

Anyway, I am going to TRY to not get too caught up in the idea of how great it would be. Lets face it, when you struggle to conceive, getting pregnant at ANY time is wonderful.

holy side effects Batman

ICLW visitors, you may want to start here.

First of all, let me say that if this cycle does not work I am not doing Clomid again. Bring on the Femara!

Last month when I took it I didn't have any side effects until PMS time came and then I was a mess. Okay, well aside from my little Clomid pooch. But this time man....yowzas. First of all, I had instant pooch - woke up after first dose, pooch! I don't know if this is related to the Clomid or what cause I heard about hot flashes - I was drenched in sweat today at the gym. That is SO not like me. I work hard, I'm just not normally a sweaty gal. But it gets worse from there...

I took day 4 today and let me share some of the madness my dear husband had to endure.

I think what precipitated the kick off of what shall forever be known as Clomid Day from Hell was seeing a pregnancy announcement on FB from an old colleague. She married in July, is expecting in December. It wasn't so much the announcement but HOW she announced it - with the pairs of shoes (his, hers, baby) and I got so mad. That's what *I* wanted to do. I had it all planned out: DH's Army boots, a cute pair of mine, and then adorable baby shoes.

We were on our way to Home Depot when I saw that on my phone and DH says to me shortly thereafter that his brother's fiancee is here in the US now. I don't want to get too much into it, but lets just say this. To start, my BIL is older than my husband, and his fiancee is younger than I am. I can speak from experience that TOO much of an age gap is a problem (my husband and I are 9 years, I have dated someone 15 years older). Secondly, she's foreign. Removing her from all her family and friends sounds awful. She has a baby. They met over the phone and I believe have only seen each other twice. They started dating around September. I mean, it just does not bode well. My BIL has been married twice (or was it three times) before and I truly believe this will be a disaster. Now, normally I keep these feelings to myself. But oh no, Jennifer on Clomid let it rip. DH seemed rather taken aback by the things I was saying and joking said, "Don't you believe in romance?" My response: "I believe in reality." I swear to everything that is holy that if that chick gets knocked up (again) before I do....

This later turned into tears when DH was ignoring me, all the while on his computer. Again, this is something that has been simmering on a back burner for quite a while but the Clomid brought everything to the surface. DH knew things were bad when I burst into tears over something I wouldn't normally cry about, he tried to comfort me but there was no comfort in that moment.

Finally, after dinner and dessert he asks to see my paper. The paper that is due at 11:59 tonight. It's been done by noon. But DH is a procrastinator so he waits until 10 and then he messed up the formatting and I flipped out. If my head could swivel around and I could spew some pea soup, I think I would have.

So now we aren't talking. Both on our respective laptops, typing away. He on facebook, me on my kinder, gentler version of facebook.

I hope these side effects get better soon. But damn, if this is how pregnancy will be (vis a vis the mood swings) then I don't know how we will survive it.

But I repeat, no more Clomid!

Weekly Weigh In #1

I know a few bloggers who are trying to lose weight and they do a weekly weigh in. I've been pondering for a while and have decided to jump on that train. Here's the thing, and I never think to mention it because people just know this about me in real life, but I am very short. Like, I say I am 5'2" but it's probably 5'1". I only try to stretch it up an inch because DH is 6'. So yeah, an inch makes me feel better.

I wasn't always short. As a kid I was pretty average height. I was tan as heck from long sunny days in Phoenix, and my limbs were long and lean. I didn't play video games and reading a book was reserved for rainy days, after supper, or early in the morning if my baby brothers had woken me up. When I hit junior high, my perception of my body shifted. I was very popular in 7th grade, was one of the first of my friends to have a boyfriend (of course back then it meant someone to carry your books and hold your hand - that's it!). When we moved back to Massachusetts before 8th grade I was devastated. I made some new friends, and my best friend that year was a girl who lived around the corner, S. S wore a size 6. I was already jealous of this, I wore an 8. But then one day she asked me if my thighs touch each other when I sit down. I hadn't really thought about that before. Sure, I replied with a shrug. I thought everyone's did. Oh no, hers most certainly did NOT. Ugh.

We went our separate ways in high school and my friends were always a little heavier than I was. I don't know if this was purposeful on my part or what. All I remember about my feelings about my body was that I wanted so desperately to be 120 pounds. I was probably about 127, 128..who knows. I remember it wasn't this crazy goal, that would require losing lots of weight. I never did do it. And of course, in college came the disappearance of my period, gaining nearly 60 pounds, and the subsequent diagnosis of PCOS.

After college I dropped a lot of the weight, but I still have a few stubborn pounds to go. So without further ado...

Weight lost this week: 1 pound
Pounds to go for mini goal 1: 5
Pounds to go for mini goal 2: 10
Pounds to go for ultimate goal: 15

Because I love to reward myself when I do something to be more healthy, I was thinking that when I hit mini goal 1 I could get some new workout stuff from Victoria's Secret. I usually stay away from there because it seems to be more a teenage girl thing, which weirds me out a little. Anyway, I went in looking for who knows what, and saw that they have a new line of sports bras and things. You would think that VS would have great sports bras already since hello, they do underwear. But sadly this is not the case. Their yoga pants are super comfy, but the bra I bought there previously I cannot use for high impact cardio. Not my C-D gals.

For goal 2 I haven't decided yet, but for goal 3 I know I will need new clothes at that point. So that will certainly be something to look forward to. Maybe I will go for a massage or mani/pedi.